It’s ironic how this blog is supposed to be my passion project blog, and yet half the things are about non-passionate moments.

As I write this, I am stopping myself from crying because I am so full of emotion… sadly it’s mostly negative energy.

Maybe crying is a coping mechanism of mine. Because honestly after I burst into tears, I’m fine. 100% fine. Others experience the same surge of energy and cope by self harm, or just submit to the thought of ending their lives.

I want to live. I want to live because I value my life. I can tell that my future will be filled with lots of moments… colorful moments. Moments that I will cherish. Experiences that may be simple, but I will enjoy to the fullest. I see a distant very blurry but happy future.

As for the present, it’s not exactly ideal since don’t get paid much, but I’m honestly much happier than I was when I was getting paid a lot. I cried less then, but I’m honestly happier now even if it seems that I am not.

Just because I cry. Just because I’m more honest about my emotions, just because I’m not afraid to tell people how I feel, it doesn’t make me miserable or negative.

I feel a bunch of emotions right now. I am currently experiencing the aftermath of a mental breakdown. This is when I’m struggling to breathe normally because my crying spell was so strong. It’s only hard to stop because the breaks are just kicking in. I’m starting to breathe normally, but I feel more relieved than upset.

Alongside each scarce breath, I feel a little frustrated. I’m frustrated that I can’t make someone else understand what I feel. Deep deep deep down, my gut tells me that if I could make someone else understand how I felt, the conflict would be solved. I know deep down that both parties mean well. My boyfriend is amazing, but we’re just so different that when I see rainbows, he sees storms… and vice versa.

I’m scared to lose him. I’m more scared that he’ll lose himself. I’m not the easiest person to handle. It doesn’t help that the only time we have to spare for each other are the times when his long day ends… and then he’s tired… and drained… and maybe somehow I make him feel helpless.

I blame myself and feel very guilty most of the time, but mostly, I’m so happy I have him. I wish I could make him feel that too. I wish, more than my previous wish, that he can make him feel what he’s done to my heart.

Confused is what I always feel. I don’t understand my emotions. I wish I did…

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